And I’m so excited to share the invitation for Holy Humans’ Salon with Psychic Wendy Piepenburg (if you missed our announcement about Holy Humans last week, read it here). Thank you all who contacted me to share how excited you are about Holy Humans!

Holy Humans will work like a learning club, where curious people like us bring questions to authors, scholars, practitioners, and to each other. A place where we can gather and dig deep to explore what it means to be human. All genders welcome! Follow our new Instagram Account @holyhumansofficial to get updates and inspiration.

Our First Gathering will be a Special Fireside Chat with a Chef’s Prepared Dinner

Hosts: Anbereen Hasan, Naomi Marks and Patricia Assui Reed

Guest Speaker: Psychic and Medium Wendy Piepenburg

When: FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 13th from 5:30 PM to 8:00 PM

Where: Private Residence in the Hamptons, location shared upon ticket purchase.

Tickets: please purchase them HERE. Tickets are individual and non transferrable.

Wendy is coming to the East End from Ann Arbor, Michigan, especially for the occasion. While in the Hamptons she will also offer a very limited number of private in-person readings. Please sign up HERE to reserve a session.

Readings are paid separately from the Salon.

About Anbereen Hasan

Anbereen Hasan is Pakistani-American. She grew up in Paris, finished high school in Frankfurt, and spent formative years in the Middle East and India. That nomadic childhood gave her a rare gift: she understands, deeply, how many different ways people experience and make sense of the world, and how much we share underneath it all.

Her path has been as wide-ranging as her upbringing. She trained as a textile designer, then earned a Master’s in International Affairs and Human Rights from Columbia University. She went on to work at the United Nations, where she was part of the Global Women’s Coalition for the Fourth World Conference on Women in Beijing and helped bring human rights NGOs into the drafting of the treaty that created the International Criminal Court. She has been recognized internationally for her advocacy for survivors of domestic violence.

Anbereen then spent more than two decades in U.S. public service, concluding a distinguished career as a foreign policy and counterterrorism expert when she retired from the U.S. Government in 2021. Now ready for her next act, she is picking up the thread she explored in her studies on human rights, and asking as humans how we can cultivate, sustain and bring more hope into the world.

About Naomi Marks

A graduate of Central Saint Martins in London, Naomi began her professional life in the rarefied world of fine jewelry, working with two of its most legendary houses, Harry Winston and Van Cleef and Arpels. Those years cultivated an enduring appreciation for beauty, craftsmanship, and the history behind objects of lasting value.

Naomi has an instinctive appreciation for the ways seemingly disparate ideas can illuminate one another. As AI begins to shape the boundaries of human possibility, Naomi’s curiosity has led her somewhere both ancient and timely: the modalities of metaphysics. She is intrigued by the possibility that our oldest questions about human consciousness, our existence, and the nature of reality may have something important to contribute to our newest technological age.

For more than three decades Naomi Marks has made her life in the Hamptons. She has been a committed and contributing presence to her community, deeply connected to the people and places that have become her home. She is a proud mother of three and a doting grandmother to five extraordinary grandchildren. Family is at the center of her world; it’s her deepest joy and feeds her curiosity and ever-renewing perspective on our collective future.

The Matriark Salon will continue in its original format, with themes like business, money, wellness and more. I will share invitations as each salon is scheduled.

I hope you enjoy Holy Humans and that you’ll join us at our gatherings. Anbereen, Naomi and I are so excited to see you there!

Love,
Patricia

Hi there,

I have an exciting announcement to share with you.

I met Anbereen Hasan at one of my Salons. She introduced herself, and I (along with the entire room) immediately thought: wow, I need to get to know this woman. Anbereen is one of the most curious people I know. Raised between Paris, Frankfurt, the Middle East and India, she built a career in human rights and U.S. public service. Now, in her next act, she is exploring a new question: how can we cultivate, sustain and bring more hope into the world?

Most recently, Anbereen invited me to join her Mahjong group, and there I met her friend Naomi Marks. As we got to learn the game and one another, we discovered our shared belief that we are more than our physical bodies, our deep interest for everything metaphysical, and how much we wished we had more conversations about it. In the meantime, the three of us also noticed that our friends, our feeds on social media, and well respected news outlets like the New York Times and The Financial Times, were discussing the exponential interest in seeking answers to what makes us uniquely human. A question that is more prescient as we grapple with adopting AI in our everyday lives.

Holy Humans was born from this common goal. It will work like a learning club, where curious people like us bring questions to authors, scholars, practitioners, and to each other. A place where we can gather and dig deep to explore what it means to be human.

Our First Gathering

Our first gathering is going to be fun and inspiring. On November 13th, we are hosting Wendy Pipenburg, a psychic who is coming to the East End from Ann Arbor, Michigan, especially for the occasion. Anbereen, who began exploring metaphysical modalities in the 1980’s at a time in her life when the barrel of hope was near empty, has been Wendy’s client for over ten years. I had a session with Wendy a few weeks ago, and I was very impressed.

Invitations go out next Thursday (10/29), so please keep an eye on your inbox.

The Ginkgo

For centuries, the ginkgo has stood for longevity, hope, peace and strength in adversity. Most of all, it stands for duality and unity, just as "holy" and "human" do. That is why we chose its leaf as the symbol for Holy Humans.

The Matriark Salon Continues

The Matriark Salon will continue in its original format, with themes like business, money, wellness and more. I will share invitations as each salon is scheduled.

About Anbereen Hasan

Anbereen Hasan is Pakistani-American. She grew up in Paris, finished high school in Frankfurt, and spent formative years in the Middle East and India. That nomadic childhood gave her a rare gift: she understands, deeply, how many different ways people experience and make sense of the world, and how much we share underneath it all.

Her path has been as wide-ranging as her upbringing. She trained as a textile designer, then earned a Master’s in International Affairs and Human Rights from Columbia University. She went on to work at the United Nations, where she was part of the Global Women’s Coalition for the Fourth World Conference on Women in Beijing and helped bring human rights NGOs into the drafting of the treaty that created the International Criminal Court. She has been recognized internationally for her advocacy for survivors of domestic violence.

Anbereen then spent more than two decades in U.S. public service, concluding a distinguished career as a foreign policy and counterterrorism expert when she retired from the U.S. Government in 2021. Now ready for her next act, she is picking up the thread she explored in her studies on human rights, and asking as humans how we can cultivate, sustain and bring more hope into the world.

About Naomi Marks

A graduate of Central Saint Martins in London, Naomi began her professional life in the rarefied world of fine jewelry, working with two of its most legendary houses, Harry Winston and Van Cleef and Arpels. Those years cultivated an enduring appreciation for beauty, craftsmanship, and the history behind objects of lasting value.

Naomi has an instinctive appreciation for the ways seemingly disparate ideas can illuminate one another. As AI begins to shape the boundaries of human possibility, Naomi’s curiosity has led her somewhere both ancient and timely: the modalities of metaphysics. She is intrigued by the possibility that our oldest questions about human consciousness, our existence, and the nature of reality may have something important to contribute to our newest technological age.

For more than three decades Naomi Marks has made her life in the Hamptons. She has been a committed and contributing presence to her community, deeply connected to the people and places that have become her home. She is a proud mother of three and a doting grandmother to five extraordinary grandchildren. Family is at the center of her world; it’s her deepest joy and feeds her curiosity and ever-renewing perspective on our collective future.

I hope you enjoy Holy Humans and that you’ll join us at our gatherings. Anbereen, Naomi and I are so excited to see you there!

Love,
Patricia

The discussions were incredibly helpful, and sharing our thoughts and concerns out loud, in a group, and realizing we are not alone in this time of uncertainty was such a relief. Thank you to every one of you who showed up, spoke up, and listened so generously.

Which is why I can’t wait to bring us together again.

Everything changed for me in 2018, when I was diagnosed with breast cancer. My diet changed. My exercise routine changed. And, like so many women, I started taking supplements.

Navigating what to choose was overwhelming. How do you decide what to trust in a category with so little regulation? I didn’t want to do more harm than good, but unfortunately, that is the state of the industry today. You are largely on your own, reading labels and hoping for the best.

And wow, how I wish I had known Pure Essentials — and Rachel Ash and Neal Shenoy — back then. Since I met them, I’ve learned everything about the truth about supplements, what it means to be MADE SAFE® and how to choose supplements in a largely unregulated industry.

It’s the wild wild west out there in the supplement world, so my hope is that you leave this gathering very well informed. And even if you never buy a single supplement from Pure Essentials, I want you to walk out from our salon armed with the right information to make decisions about what you put in your body and what you give your loved ones.

Melissa introduced me to Rachel and Neal last year, and after listening to them and learning so much about what’s out there and how supplements are made, I knew I wanted to get involved and, at the very least, help spread the word. In the spirit of transparency (as I always do with you), I need you to know that I proudly serve as a Strategic Advisor to Pure Essentials. I took on this role because I am a loyal customer, I believe wholeheartedly in what they are doing, and how their products can help people like you and me make smart decisions about their health, and I wanted to share this with you and everyone I know.

About Rachel Ash, CEO of Pure Essentials: Rachel is a wellness entrepreneur and health advocate. As CEO of Pure Essentials, she leads the company’s capital strategy, investor relations, and brand stewardship. Her work is personal. Rachel co-built Pure Essentials with her late husband, Richard N. Ash, M.D., and continues to extend the vision they built together — that what’s on the label should match what’s in the bottle, without exception. She serves as Chairman of the Board of Documenting Hope, on the Advisory Board of MadeSafe, and was named to the 2025 UBS Female Founder Program and CaringKind’s 100 Women of Impact.

About Neal Shenoy, Chairman of Pure Essentials: Neal is a technology entrepreneur who has founded, operated, and sold a $3BN+ portfolio of digital media ventures across education, music, sports, and analytics in partnership with major media companies. He began career working on media & entertainment transactions at Donaldson, Lufkin & Jenrette and have been a long suffering serial entrepreneur since 2000. His specialties are venture development, business development, corporate development, content licensing, content production, content distribution, business affairs, capital raising, and finance.

About Melissa Breitbart, Principal of MBCG Strategic Advisors and Founder of The Live4Life Foundation: Through her Strategic Advisory, Melissa is focused on expanding the philanthropic footprint of purpose-driven brands through collaborations with like-minded companies and nonprofit organizations that align with each brand’s core values. She founded The Live4Life Foundation to advance critical research to find an effective treatment and cure for melanoma. She was selected to help lead the 100 Women of Impact movement, convened by CaringKind in New York City, and has continued to support and lead its national expansion.

About Tathiana Teixeira, Founder Plain-T: Tathiana was born in Brazil and began as an apprentice of Classical Ballet at the age of 4 to quickly ascend into the professional ranks where she performed worldwide for over 10 years. She found whole leaf Tea to be a great tool in maintaining a healthy balance in both body and mind to thrive in the demanding discipline of Ballet. She also discovered that all of the tea’s nutrients and health properties are contained in the whole leaf of the plant, not in the small broken pieces or “dust” used in common tea bags. Therefore, this means that most tea drinkers are only getting a fraction of the wonderful benefits of this ancient plant, so Tathiana and her husband Alessandro enlisted the expertise of a world renowned Tea Master and founded PLAIN-T.

I hope you can come and meet these amazing people in person.

Sending love,

Patricia

Hi there,

By the time this newsletter goes out, I will have hosted The Matriark Salon with Jan Planit. I’ll post about it soon, so if you weren’t able to attend, check in with us on Instagram on Monday for a glimpse of the evening. An invitation for our upcoming salon, happening on 10/29, will be going out very soon, so save the date and stay tuned!

Today I just want to share something I’m in love with: Ffern. This is 100% not a paid post and if you ever get them, you’ll know why I’m so crazy about them. I’m astonished by this company. They make the most creative and delicious fragrances, and what impresses me most is how they express their craft. It’s so difficult to convey the magic of fragrance online, for obvious reasons, but with their impeccable storytelling, beautiful artwork and absolutely stunning products, they are very hard to resist.

Ffern is a small perfume house in Somerset, England, founded by siblings Owen Mears and Emily Cameron, who grew up beside an organic herb farm. They release just four fragrances a year, one on each solstice and equinox, made in small batches from natural ingredients. And on top of it all, they also started an Artifacts Shop, and it’s beautiful.

Not an unboxing, a ritual

The outer box arrives closed with a paper ribbon that fastens onto itself. No glue, and nothing to tear. You slip it free, lift the lid, and the first thing you see is a folded hand-numbered, museum-quality giclée print resting on top: the season’s artwork, commissioned from an artist, with the story of the fragrance printed alongside it. My autumn bottle came with the work of Welsh illustrator Jackie Morris, beloved for The Lost Words. I unfolded it slowly, and read it before proceeding.

Beneath the poster lie two boxes. The slender one holds a small tester and a few little gifts: a pin, some tea or wild flower seeds, a special souvenir that completes the story.

The larger box is sealed, and inside it a single paper cylinder cradles the bottle itself, a beautiful spray bottle waiting to be discovered.

By the time it is in your hand, you feel transported into a fairy tale, as if a parcel had found its way to you from just beyond the last page of a storybook.

The Scents

I got the Spring and Autumn 26 scents and they are SO good.

Autumn 26 · Moonlit Heather. Lavender sits at its heart. It arrives slowly, softened by honeyed immortelle and the powdery velvet of orris, then settles over something warmer: sun-dried hay, moss, the earth after dusk. It’s light and deep at the same time, airy enough to float and warm enough to hold you, like a cashmere shawl at twilight. It smells like walking home across a moor under a rising moon: a little wild, entirely tender.

Spring 26 · Wild Land. This one opens with citrus, fresh and orangy, as petitgrain, bergamot and neroli catch the light like dawn on dewy grass. Then white blossoms drift in, golden broom and a touch of creamy tuberose, never heavy and never sweet. It is fresh yet sophisticated, and so light it feels like a breath of morning air. It was created with Knepp, the rewilding estate in Sussex, and you can sense that wild, green freedom in every spray.

Why I’m hooked

There are so many ways companies can make things and deliver them to us, and this one is so special that you actually feel so cared for. You want to love their scents, and I did - and for a picky fragrance customer like me, that’s saying a lot. Both bottles won me over, and I can’t stop wearing them, and I can’t wait for their winter release.

Please do yourself a favor and check them out at ffern.co to see if they are for you. At the very least you’ll be entertained by their films and dazzled by the unboxing.

With love,

Patricia

Before we start, a friendly reminder that on October 7th, I am co-hosting a salon with Jan Planit, Deborah Perry Piscione and Jeanmarie Macari LaBonte to explore the future of work, and how we might thoughtfully invest our time and our capital in the era of AI and humanoids, and what it means for the world we are leaving to the next generation. At the time I finished this newsletter, we only had 2 more tickets available, so if you are interested, please run to get them:

Tickets sold HERE

Date: Wednesday, October 7th
Time: From 6pm to 8pm

Location: Hamptons private residence, address provided upon confirmation

Now on to our regular programming

Hi there,

A few years ago, I got a call from my daughter’s school. There has been an incident with a group of girls, and my daughter was crying and in distress. I was later told that she was called a snitch, then accosted and intimidated by a group of girls, and bullied by a few.

Someone at school had been vaping, and a rumor started that my daughter was the one who told ME, and then I told the director. She hadn’t. I didn’t. But once the word was out, she was made to feel she and I had done something shameful.

I was baffled: so someone was breaking the rules, and the person being punished was the one suspected of naming it, not the one doing it???

That is how groups become mobs. Punishing the “snitch” is a message to everyone else who is watching: this is what happens if you speak. Stay quiet and loyal, and you nothing will happen to you.

I have been thinking about this idea a lot this week because of the Cornell 7. There are so many layers of cultural issues and misogyny that we could discuss about this case (though honestly I don’t even know what else to say when the language exchanged between students include “Shop Still open?”).

THE GROUP CHAT

By now you probably know the case of the Cornell 7. A former Cornell student has filed a lawsuit alleging that in October 2024, when she was 20, she was pressured into taking ketamine at the Chi Phi fraternity house and then sexually assaulted by 7 members over several hours. According to the lawsuit, at 1:42 a.m. a member messaged the fraternity’s Snapchat group “free p*ssy”. Later in the chat: “Shop still open?” The reply: “Yea.” I read that there were 57 people in this group chat.

The local district attorney declined to prosecute in 2024. After the lawsuit and a wave of public outrage, his office has reopened the case and says it will bring evidence to a grand jury, and New York’s attorney general is reviewing how Cornell handled it. Cornell says two students were expelled, two were suspended, and the chapter was closed. The men deny the accusations, and nothing has yet been proven in court.

I keep coming back to that group chat. A message went out to a group of young men. And from everything reported so far, not one picked up the phone. Not one knocked on that door to interfere, or to say stop. Not one from 57 of them.

SNITCHING OR WHISTLEBLOWING?

So where is the line? When does telling mean “snitching,” and when does it become whistleblowing — or just being a decent human being???

I think the difference is this: snitching, the way we use the word, is about betraying the group for personal gain. Whistleblowing is about exposing wrongdoing to protect the people being harmed. The culture of “don’t snitch” asks “whose side are you on?”. Whistleblowing asks a better one: “who is getting hurt and who is doing the hurting?”, and “what am I going to do about it”?

And what is the difference between a witness and a bystander when both see and both know? A bystander decides it isn’t their business, and a witness decides it is. A witness understands that seeing something creates a responsibility to act, to speak, to call for help, to testify later if that is what it takes.

I personally believe she was raped, though the case has not yet been proven in court. But even if it never is, this much is true: if one of the 57 young men in that chat had been willing to be called a snitch that night, she might have been spared, at best, public humiliation, and at worst, rape.

SHAME, MISPLACED

In the story we tell about snitches, the person who speaks up becomes the problem. The girl who reports becomes “drama.” The kid who tells the principal becomes the traitor. Meanwhile the person who did the harm fades into the background, protected by everyone’s silence.

We do this to victims, too. We ask what she was drinking, why she went upstairs, why she waited to report. We rarely ask the other questions with the same energy: Why did they think they could? Why did no one stop them? Why did they think it was OK to begin with?

When a culture normalizes bullying and intimidation, silence is the obvious and expected outcome. Why are we shocked nobody in that group chat said anything? Most of them had probably been learning since middle school exactly what happens to the one who does.

HOW WE RAISE THEM

This is where we, as parents and caregivers, have real power.

We need to raise our children — all of them, not only our boys — to know the difference between tattling on a classmate for chewing gum and speaking up when someone is being hurt. And we need to tell them that it’s okay to be called a snitch.

Be called a snitch if it means a girl is not raped.

Be called a snitch if it means a boy is protected from physical abuse.

Be called a snitch if it means a child is spared from bullying.

And we have to model it ourselves at work, in our friendships, in the group chats we are part of as adults. Children are watching and learning from what we do, not from what we say.

CHANGING THE CULTURE CAN START AT HOME

I am disheartened and angry. I want justice for this young woman, and I want every institution involved to answer for how her case was handled.

There are so many layers to this problem, and we often feel to powerless in the face of injustice. But we can change things within our grasp, starting at home. Words like “snitch” only hold power because we leave them unexamined. Every time we talk about this at dinner, in the car, with our kids, and with each other we loosen their grip a little. We change the culture a little. We make it a little easier for the next person, in the next group chat, to be a witness instead of a bystander, and to be the one who says stop.

I would rather my children be called snitches a hundred times than be bystanders once.

Sending love,

Patricia

If you or someone you love has been affected by sexual violence, RAINN’s National Sexual Assault Hotline is available 24/7 at 1-800-656-4673 or online.rainn.org.

There is an important conversation on all of our minds. I am gathering our first salon of the season to explore the future of work, and how we might thoughtfully invest our time and our capital in the era of AI and humanoids, and what it means for the world we are leaving to the next generation.

Joining me and Jan Planit for this intimate salon are two remarkable voices from Silicon Valley: Deborah Perry Piscione, celebrated thought leader on innovation and disruption, and Jeanmarie Macari Labonte, wealth manager to some of the industry’s most consequential minds. (More information about them below the invitation).

The event will be in the HAMPTONS, address provided upon confirmation. Seats are VERY limited, so please get your tickets ASAP.

I do hope you will join us for what promises to be a rich and timely conversation.

Tickets sold HERE

Date: Wednesday, October 7th
Time: From 6pm to 8pm

Location: Hamptons private residence, address provided upon confirmation

About Deborah:
Silicon Valley Thought Leader, serial entrepreneur, investor and New York Times bestselling author, Deborah Perry Piscione will talk about where the world is heading in the era of AI + humanoids, and more importantly, how and where to put your capital to work.

As Chief Future Officer of the Work3 Institute and an Executive in Residence at Duke University, Deborah advises Fortune 500 leaders and investors on the convergence of AI, humanoids and blockchain, and how these technologies are reshaping business and wealth creation. In 2010, she founded Alley to the Valley, a deal-making community for accomplished women that has facilitated over $1B in deals for its members.

Her latest book, Employment is Dead: How Disruptive Technologies Will Revolutionize the Way We Work (Harvard Business Review Press), lays out how AI and disruptive technologies are reshaping work, wealth and opportunity, insight she now translates into where the smart money is moving, and where it should be moving next.

Before moving to Silicon Valley, Deborah spent nearly two decades in Washington, DC, working in the White House and US Congress.

About Jeanmarie:
Jeanmarie LaBonte, CIMA®, CPWA®, is a Managing Director and Wealth Manager with Citizens Private Wealth.

Before joining Citizens Private Wealth, Jeanmarie held senior advisory roles at Goldman Sachs and First Republic Bank, as well as positions at leading financial institutions in San Francisco, London and New York. She earned a Master of Business Administration in Finance from Fordham University and a Bachelor of Arts in Political Science and International Business from Hofstra University. She also holds the Certified Investment Management Analyst® (CIMA®) and Certified Private Wealth Advisor® (CPWA®) designations through the Wharton School at the University of Pennsylvania.

With more than two decades of experience, Jeanmarie and her team specialize in managing wealth for individuals and families, addressing their full range of financial needs. They offer comprehensive strategies that address the full balance sheet, including tax-optimized investments, trust and estate planning, philanthropy, risk and asset protection solutions.

With a deep understanding of each client’s unique situation, they provide experienced guidance to founders, investors, family offices and executives. The team’s approach is rooted in fiduciary-level guidance and holistic planning, helping families preserve and grow wealth for future generations. Jeanmarie and her team collaborate closely with clients’ attorneys, accountants and family stakeholders to align strategies and simplify complex financial decisions. They work extensively with clients to navigate financial goals, liquidity events, business succession and multi-generational wealth transfer.

Outside of work, Jeanmarie enjoys international travel, hiking, and volunteering with community organizations. She lives in Burlingame, California, with her husband, three children and their Labradoodle, Lulu.

About Jan Planit:

Jan Planit is a talent management entrepreneur based in New York. She founded Planit Management in 2004, an influencer-relations and talent management firm working with clients in entertainment, fashion, beauty, and lifestyle. Earlier in her career, she played a pivotal role in the fashion and modeling industry, helping build NEXT Model Management and later serving as Executive Vice President at IMG Models. She’s also known for community involvement — she is on the board of Solving Kids’ Cancer and has been quoted in outlets like the New York Times and Wall Street Journal.

I hope to see you there. Sending love,

Patricia

Hi there,

Ready or not, we are here again. When I lived in New York City, fall meant I could open my windows again and enjoy the weeks before the radiators in my pre-war building creaked back on.

I’ve been thinking a lot about that. The feeling that shows up every time something ends and something else hasn’t quite started yet.

Merriam-Webster defines transition two ways. The first is well known: “a change or shift from one state, subject, place, etc. to another.” The second is “something that links one state, subject, place, etc. to another — a connecting part or piece.”

We tend to only hear the first definition — transition as rupture, as before-and-after. What I want to talk about today is the second one: transition as the connective tissue, the thing that holds the before and the after together so neither one falls away.

BETWIX AND BETWEEN

There’s a term anthropologists use for this in-between state: liminality, from the Latin limen, meaning threshold. Arnold van Gennep (French ethnographer and folklorist) coined it when studying rites of passage; Victor Turner (Scottish cultural anthropologist) expanded it. Turner’s description of what it means to be in a liminal state has stayed with me since I first read it:

“Liminal entities are neither here nor there; they are betwixt and between the positions assigned and arrayed by law, custom, convention.”

Betwixt and between.

I used to think of transition as a state I was either in or out of. Now I know that being alive means always being somewhere inside it.

I LEARNED THIS FROM TODDLERS…

I actually learned this lesson in the most unlikely classroom: the Barnard Toddler Center, where my kids went as, well, toddlers. Tovah Klein and the late Pat Shimm — who co-founded the program back in 1973 — built an entire philosophy around this idea: that separation and transition are not obstacles to a child’s development, they are the development, and it’s ongoing.

I thought I was there to learn how to get my toddler to stop crying at drop-off, but I was actually learning how to handle my own life. We never stop doing this. We are never finished with separation and transition — we just get better, or worse, at noticing when we’re in it.

THIS SUMMER, AND THIS FALL

This past summer, my kids were on vacation. I was not. Every week the schedule reshuffled itself, with no school pickup, no predictable rhythm, just a loose, sunny chaos that was fun and also a little stressful. I kept trying to build structure around a season that isn’t built for structure, and kept feeling slightly behind my own life.

And now, fall. I love the sweater weather, the sense of everyone snapping back into their own orbit. School already started, and there’s real relief in returning to our routine, but it comes, as it always does, with a little sadness: the kids are around less. I am, once again, on the other side of a separation I once coached my toddlers through (or, let’s be honest, that Tovah and Pat once coached me through).

Last week I was driving with my daughter while she took over the music with her own playlist — she’s fifteen now, and it shows. Out of nowhere, my eyes filled, thinking about her at college, which isn’t happening for three more years. I was grieving a separation I hadn’t even lived through yet.

CONNECTING THE PAST TO THE PRESENT

I think what was actually happening in my car wasn’t sadness about the future, it was my mind doing the thing minds do in transition: reaching backward and forward at the same time, trying to hold her at five, at eighteen and right there next to me, all at once.

We are always doing both — always the connecting piece, Merriam-Webster’s second definition, linking who we were to who we’re becoming.

WHAT I’VE LEARNED TO DO WITH THIS

As a mother, an entrepreneur, and someone who has restructured her own life more than once, here’s what going through this has taught me so far:

I stopped dreading each transition as the scary unknown, and started accepting it as the bridge and connection I need to move forward.

So whether you’re in the middle of something enormous right now, or just feeling that low-grade September disorientation that comes from the end of summer, my only real advice is this: notice that you’re in it. Breathe through it. Let it be a necessary and ordinary part of the process rather than a detour from your real life. If you get good at it, you can even welcome it (I’m not there yet!). That acknowledgment alone that this is a transition, and transitions are simply what living is made of, is what gets me through it.

We are always betwixt and between. We are always a moving bridge. That’s not the interruption of the story. That’s the story.

Sending love,

Patricia

Before I start, I want to share some exciting news: I am resuming The Matriark Salon starting this Fall. The gatherings will come in different forms and sometimes with different names, and I can’t wait to send you the invitations. More soon!

I met Meredith Burns years ago in the Hamptons, the way so many friendships begin — through our kids’ school, standing at pickup. I didn’t know that our school small talks were going to turn into something that completely changed how I take care of myself and my family.

Fast forward to 2023. My father started showing the signs of dementia. Repeated questions. A story told several times over in one sitting.

While I was learning about dementia, Meredith was living a version of it three times over. In twenty-four months, she lost three members of her family to different variations of the same disease. But Meredith, being the force that she is, did not let her incredible grief break her. She channelled it into fuel instead, and I am so grateful for it.

Ten days ago, Meredith hosted a beautiful luncheon to kick off The Beautiful Brain Campaign, an initiative built to make sure women’s brain health gets funded by the NIH, and that the funding reaches the neuroscientists doing the best, most rigorous work on this disease. Meredith and I share more than the love of our kids, and the disease who killed our loved ones. We both know that women are affected the most (they are almost two-thirds of Americans living with Alzheimer’s), and we share the conviction (not just hope) that dementia can be prevented and cured. So we won’t rest until it is.

A 45-year-old woman’s lifetime risk of developing it is 1 in 5; for a man, it’s 1 in 10. Women also make up roughly two-thirds of dementia caregivers in this country — more than a third of them are daughters, caring for the very people who once cared for them.

That’s not an accident. Until the NIH Revitalization Act of 1993, it was standard, legal practice to exclude women from clinical trials altogether. Even now, a staggering share of foundational Alzheimer’s research — by one estimate, 99% of mouse studies — has been conducted using only male subjects, and most clinical trials still aren’t even designed to analyze results by sex.

The Beautiful Brain Campaign isn’t urgent only because of the statistics. It’s urgent because of the lack of data on women’s health, which is crucial for prevention and cure.

But I got to see what happens when that silence starts to break. At the Beautiful Brain Campaign lunch, Meredith flew in Dr. Claire Clelland, of UCSF’s Memory and Aging Center, especially for the occasion — a physician-scientist doing exactly the kind of work this funding exists to protect. Among so many other things, Dr. Claire told us the first and most important factor to prevent Alzheimer's is blood pressure - that ideally, we should keep 120 and under. I’m keeping this as a main priority in my own health journey. We also heard from George Vradenburg, co-founder and chairman of UsAgainstAlzheimer’s, who spends his days in Washington fighting for the federal research dollars that make Dr. Clelland’s work possible, and who is now working directly with CaringKind to put women’s brain health on that agenda. Meredith also invited Project ALS because ALS is weirdly and confusingly linked to dementia, something that Meredith’s mom had to deal with as her disease progressed. I had no idea about this link.

Before the lunch, CaringKind founder Eleonora Tornatore-Mikesh co-hosted the NOURISH gathering with Claudia Romo Edelman, Helen Christoni, Jan Planit, and Natasha Caronna to drive the point home: this disease is not inevitable, and it is not someone else’s fight.

It’s why I said yes to CaringKind’s 100 Women of Impact. It’s why I’ve now donated to the Beautiful Brain Campaign. And it’s why I’m asking you to get involved: we can change this. With awareness, with dollars, with pressure on the institutions that decide whose bodies get studied and whose don’t.

If you want to learn more about the Beautiful Brain Campaign, or you’re ready to give, start HERE.

Sending love and gratitude,

Patricia

Hi there,

I just watched Mary Oliver: Saved by The Beauty of The World (part of PBS’s American Master series) and it was such a great window into her life and art. I don’t read a lot of poetry but, like many, I am inspired by hers, and I hope you are or will be too.

Poem of the One World was originally published in Mary Oliver’s collection A Thousand Mornings

I hope you watch the show. Sending love,

Patricia

Thank you all who came to Manolo Blahnik this week and shopped for a great cause. If you couldn’t make it but still want to support CaringKind, you can purchase Diana Frank’s limited edition, handmade prints (she is a fellow 100 Women of Impact). They are $750 each, and she is donating 10% to CaringKind. Head to her website to see them in detail, and contact her to purchase.

A few months ago, in the middle of a French lesson, my teacher Carrie Anne said something that was not in my French bingo card: you’l learn better if you remove the concept of time. Remove the timeline for when you’re “supposed” to be fluent, and just do the learning itself, unhooked from the clock.

I haven’t stopped thinking about it since, because of course this isn’t really just about French. It’s about everything. Except we’ve built entire lives around the opposite idea, and most of us never stop to ask why.

As summer progresses and I get used to loose schedule with my children, the later nights, the daily ice cream for dessert, I’m finally feeling like I’m in summer. Which would be great if it weren’t also a little sad, because in less than a month they go back to school and I go back to a more structured life, and just naming that puts pressure on what’s left.

That’s the paradox my teacher’s comment keeps circling back to for me: a deadline focuses you, but it also steals something from the middle of the experience, because part of you is always aware the clock is running.

I’ve been thinking about this more broadly too, if I’m honest, because I’m not only recalibrating for September - I’m recalibrating for midlife. I’m 55, the same age as my father when he retired, and never did anything else. Just... stopped. And I cannot picture doing the same thing, it just isn’t me. But when I try to envision what my next phase actually looks like, I catch myself running into the same wall I hit with my French lessons. The idea that certain things have a “should happen by” attached to them. That there’s a deadline for certain things in life, and if you miss it, you are late.

In my twenties and thirties, all I could see was a road ahead of me - long and endless, wide open. And now that I feel more confident, more experienced, and so much more proficient, wiser and more capable, I feel that so much more is ahead of me, and that time is abundant, despite what the system wants me to believe.

I think that’s the shift I’m actually in the middle of this summer. I’m trying to enjoy what is happening right now.

I’m trying to get out of scarcity mindset on all fronts - especially about time.

So I’m going to try to live the way my teacher described, even outside of French class. Time is a construct. Maybe happiness isn’t about beating the clock or racing it or even accepting it gracefully - maybe it’s about taking it out of the conversation entirely, when I can, and asking instead: “Does this feel right? Does this move me toward the best version of myself”? Not “Is it too late?”, or “Am I behind?”, or “What’s the deadline?”.

We’ve got a few more weeks of loose schedules and late nights left. I'm not going to rush toward the structure that's coming, or mourn it either. And I'm not going to rush toward what's next in my life, or feel sad about what's stayed in the past. Or at least I’ll try.

Sending love,

Patricia

Hi there,

Before I start, I’d like to invite you to a special event at Manolo Blahnik in East Hampton. I’m excited to shop for his incredible shoes, preview Diana Frank’s Photography Series, and help support CaringKind and 100 Women of Impact (which I am honored to be a part of). CaringKind not only empowers families and caregivers with support and education, but they also fiercely advocate for brain health research and preventative brain health care. Looking forward to seeing you there!

PART TWO

Following up from last week’s Part One, let’s get into this week’s newsletter!

These days, you can spend an hour on the spiritual side of TikTok and you’ll surface a dozen systems Gen Z is fluent in that their grandparents mostly weren’t: Human Design charts next to birth charts, Enneagram numbers dropped into dating bios, akashic record readings sold alongside energy clearings. Most of these practices are centuries or millennia old, but the sheer density of posts and information, and the openness to them feels new.

Of course some many of these tools get used and misused, and there is so much out there. So I wanted to share some of the things I have been doing, maybe some of them can be a good start if you are curious about them. Enjoy!

Divination and Metaphysical Systems & Self-Knowledge Tools

Astrology (Western)

I have been reading Susan Miller ‘s Astrology Zone for more than a decade now, and no matter how many others I find, she is always the most spot on. People on social media complain a lot that she is always late on delivering the monthly forecast (it’s true), but I don’t take this that seriously to be that upset if she is late  . I also listen to Jessica Adams weekly horoscope podcast. She is very prolific and her website has a ton of information too. Chani Nicholas ‘s readings don’t resonate with me most of the times, but she has an app a ton of resources there such as meditations, journal prompts etc, and your birth chart “lives” there, which is always helpful when you want to do a quick consult. Her readings based from your ascendant – or rising sign, not your sun sign. I do read both on Susan Miller’s and Jessica Adam’s. PS: If you are a fan of astrology, I hope you enjoyed the Lion’s Portal and yesterday’s eclipse in Leo!

Human Design

Human Design synthesized in the 1980s from astrology, the I-Ching, Kabbalah, and chakra theory. It produces a detailed “chart” sorting people into energy “types” (Generators, Projectors, Manifestors, and so on) meant to describe how each person is built to make decisions and expend energy. It’s fascinating and I find it extremely accurate. I love the app Align created by Jenna Zoe on My Human Design (they also have a podcast) that generates your personalized Human Design chart and bodygraph. It explains so much in text or in audio, but also because we can add other people to it and learn about them. I have my children and husband there and it’s fun to read all about them.

Enneagram

A nine-point personality typing system with roots in early-20th-century spiritual teaching, developed in the 20th century by modern esoteric philosophers and teachers like Oscar Ichazo and Claudio Naranjo, drawing from various global wisdom traditions. Unlike most of the systems here, it isn’t really divinatory, and it doesn’t claim access to unseen information. It’s closer to a map of motivation: what each type fears, wants, and does under stress. I first heard about it through Glennon Doyle’s podcast, where Suzanne Stabile explained the system. This is another fascinating tool to know yourself better and the people around you. The podcast episodes are this, this and this. Suzanne Stabile is an internationally-recognized Enneagram teacher, and the co-author of The Road Back to You, and the author of The Path Between Us and The Journey Toward Wholeness. Suzanne’s husband is a United Methodist pastor, so she also teaches with a Christian leans, but enneagram is not a religious practice.

Tarot

Angie Banicki with Billie Eilish

Covered in the last piece, briefly: a 78-card deck used less for fortune-telling today than for structured self-reflection, prompting a reader to project meaning onto ambiguous imagery in the presence of another person. I use it a lot to tap into my intuition, and I learned from Angie Banicki, back when she used to host workshops. She is amazing, I highly recommend you schedule a session with her. I use the original Rider-Waite Tarot Deck, and also Angie’s Explorer of The Soul deck. I used to sell Pamela Love’s jewelry in my shop in Sag Harbor, and Pam came once for an event and gnerously read tarot cards for my clients. And now she has beautiful deck called The Infinite Door, I pre-ordered and it should be arriving soon. I also have a few oracle decks that I sometimes use if I want some extra guidance: The Flower Oracle and L’Oracle du Jardin by Le Jardin Retrouve (the company’s owner Clara was kind enough to gift me one, I used to sell candles and diffusers at my shop as well).

Feng Shui

I have moved many, many times in my life, and I have been using the help of a Feng-Shui expert since around 2003 – more on this very soon! Feng Shui is a practice for arranging physical space like our homes, offices, and furniture to direct the flow of energy, or qi, in ways believed to affect health, wealth, and relationships. Feng Shui is about the environment rather than the self, though the underlying logic still relies on unseen forces and energy. My home is my ultimate sanctuary, and I will always be up for anything that can make it the most harmonious possible for me and my family. I will be sharing more about my favorite practitioner, and will share more resources too, so stay tuned.

Psychics & mediums

Now this is a tricky one. I’m about to consult with a few people soon, and they come highly recommended. But I remember when I lived in NYC, out of curiosity I went to see that famous physic that was located on Bleecker Street, her name was Zena. At first, things were fine and she went about her “regular” reading, but towards the end of it, she started to “see” things that she could fix – for the modest amount of 5,000 dollars. I knew it then that she was a grifter, so I thanked her and left. 10 years later, I read in the news that she had been found guilty for stealing 138,000 from clients. I have a feeling she stole a lot more than that over the years, and I’m glad she got caught.

These predatory practices are all over the place, so I’m super careful and very skeptical. But I grew up in Brazil, where it’s very common to meet people who are mediums, and ask for their help when you need them. The most infamous of them all is John of God, who was indicted for sexually abusing about 600 women. Netflix had a documentary about him and his crimes. It’s so infuriating and unforgivable that he used his position to take advantage of vulnerable women who were there to seek help. And if half f his abilities were true, it’s a shame that he decided to waste them.

This type of healing modality is not as common here in the US, and there is a lot of skepticism, rightly so. If you want to find someone, make sure they are always recommended by someone you know and if they ask for a lot of money upfront, I strongly recommend that you walk away. My mom sees this medium in Brazil who says being a medium is not her choice, she believes it’s a mission that was given to her by God. She lives in a very modest house, and never charges anything – she relies strictly on small donations, so I know she isn’t fleecing anyone. I’m not saying everyone needs to work for free, but be careful out there with the crazy large fees.

A few members of my family also had some extraordinary experiences with mediums, so I am open to this practice so long as they come highly recommended.

I don’t use Numerology (though I know my numbers), I-Ching, Runes & pendulum work, or Akashic records, so I can’t recommend them. The most mysterious and hard to grasp of them all (to me, at least) is the Akashic records.

The claim, drawn from Theosophical tradition, is that a non-physical archive exists containing the record of every soul’s experiences across lifetimes, accessible through meditation or a trained reader. I hadn’t heard about them until recently, when someone asked me if I believed in them. I read this article about it, and learned a lot. In it, they explain how Edgar Cayce (who has been called the most documented psychic of all time as well as a 20th-century mystic) gave readings, or psychic dissertations, using the Akashic Records as his primary resource material. He talent was his ability to access and describe information from the Akashic records to enable a person to discover everything from their purpose in life to the root cause of a long-standing problem. Read the full article, it’s fascinating. It seems that the purpose of the Akashic Records is to keep track of and assist with each soul’s personal growth and transformation.

Whatever you do, and whether you believe in these tools or not, I hope this has been interesting and helpful to you. Sending love,

Patricia

PART ONE

I watched The Odyssey last week, and I kept thinking about a world where gods argue over dinner, omens hide in the flight of birds, and any storm might be a message. It made me realize how far we’ve drifted from a world that could still surprise us like that, and it’s what finally pushed me to write what I’ve been obsessing over for a long time.

The flattening

Technology did not set out to remove the sacred from daily life. It was supposed to make life easier, and mostly it has. But this ease has collapsed time and distance, and removed much of the wonder we once experienced. A letter took two weeks and carried the ache of waiting for it. A walk alone used to be uninterrupted time with our own thoughts, and we could hear the birds, look at the trees, feel a flicker of awe at the natural world, but now we half-listen to a podcast about optimizing our lives, or photograph the flowers to produce content.

As we started seeing too much of our world through a screen, we stopped looking out, and up. Our world went flat, and somewhere between one phone update and the next, we stopped looking for awe. We don’t need to anyway: our algorithm serves us whatever we want to see, flat and 2D, and we just keep scrolling.

I want to spend this newsletter (Part One), and a few more that follow it, exploring why and how so many people — Gen Z especially — are trying to claim some of life’s sacredness back.

Hope and Awe, in a different format

Gen Z has been raised inside the flattening, is looking hard for hope and awe.

The Pew Research Center reported this year that roughly 3 in 10 American adults now consult astrology, tarot cards, or fortune tellers, with usage concentrated most heavily among Gen Z and millennials.

The tarot and oracle card market alone has grown from an estimated $830 million in 2020 to roughly $1.5 billion in 2026, and about two-thirds of new practitioners are between 18 and 34. Meanwhile, on the other side of the ledger, formal religious affiliation among Gen Z continues to slide: only 45% now identify as Christian, down from 55% a decade earlier, according to Pew's 2023-24 Religious Landscape Study, and 41% claim no religious affiliation at all.

Surveys of Gen Z consistently find people who describe themselves as spiritual far more often than religious. The hunger for meaning, for awe, for something larger than ourselves hasn’t gone anywhere, it’s just no longer looking for a home inside traditional institutions.

It’s also, I think, why so much of this search gets filed under “wellness” rather than “religion.” We already have a fluent, judgment-free vocabulary for taking care of ourselves such as therapy, meditation apps, sleep tracking, breathwork, and slotting tarot or astrology into that same category isn’t a stretch so much as a natural expansion of it.

The questions AI is forcing us to ask

I don’t think it’s an accident that this is happening at the exact moment technology has also stripped the wonder out of daily life. We are all asking, essentially, the oldest question there is: not “what should I do today” but “what am I here to do at all.” That’s a spiritual question, and it always has been.

The Tarot

I got an early preview of this searching-for-connection instinct in my own life a few years ago, when I started reading tarot. I remember one reading in particular: sitting across from a stranger, a deck of cards shuffling slowly between us, forty minutes passing before either of us reached for a phone. What I understood afterward is that the cards were almost beside the point. A stranger and I had given each other forty uninterrupted minutes of real attention, and the deck between us gave us both permission to talk about things too big for small talk, without either of us having to hold that weight alone. Reaching for something explicitly non-human — a set of symbols with no stake in my life — is what made the hour feel more human than most conversations I have in a week.

I’m not a theologian, a scholar of religion, or anyone with the authority to tell you what’s true. But I’m someone who noticed the flattening in my own life, went looking for a way back to noticing the awe in everything around me — birds, flowers, the ordinary miracle of another person’s attention — and found myself, unexpectedly, at a table with a tarot deck, discovering that what I was actually hungry for connection to the world, to other people, to myself and my own intuition. I wanted to recapture a sense of magic, hope, and mystery — the idea that some things can’t be explained by the brain. They have to be felt and understood in the body, not just the mind.

Over the next few pieces, I want to explore why practices like tarot, energy work, spirituality and some modalities that used to live at the margins are now sitting comfortably in the mainstream, sometimes alongside very religious traditions. I want to talk about the charlatans, because they’re real and worth naming plainly. And I want to talk about the people I believe are genuinely gifted, and why, in a world this flattened, reaching toward them might be one of the more rational things a person can do.

Next week: a field guide to the many modalities people are reaching for right now — astrology to akashic records — and what they all turn out to have in common.

Sending love and good energy ❤️

Patricia

American culture teaches independence like it’s a personality trait to be proud of, hands you a newborn, and says good luck, you’ve got this. We’re raised to believe needing help is a character flaw, not a completely reasonable response to raising an actual human being.

Hi there,

Last Monday night, at Bay Street Theater in Sag Harbor, mothers, daughters, and a few brave dads showed up for a screening of No Country for Mothers, the new documentary from Reshma Saujani, founder of Moms First and Girls Who Code. The event was co-hosted by Elizabeth Baron, Jackie Blatt, Christine Ngo Isaac, Jackie Kier, Meredith Shumway & Allison Stern.

Allison Stern, founder of Mother Ventures, opened the evening, and afterward Reshma sat down with Zibby Owens for a Q&A that we could have listened to forever. The sweetest part of the night was spotting Reshma’s husband and her two kids in the audience, the same kids who stole several scenes in the documentary itself.

The film’s thesis is simple, and once you hear it, you cannot unhear it, no matter how hard you try: motherhood in America is impossible by design. Work ends at six, school pickup is at three. Childcare costs more than a paycheck. Some mothers are back at their desks two weeks postpartum, laptop balanced on a body still healing with a heavy heart. Moms aren’t broken. The system is, and it was never built with mothers in mind. And behind the logistics, there is a harder truth: we don’t have the village we need to make all of this happen without an enormous amount of pain, sacrifice, and money.

Other cultures raise kids collectively, with grandparents down the hall, aunties on call, neighbors who show up with a casserole and don’t leave until the dishes are done. American culture teaches independence like it’s a personality trait to be proud of, hands you a newborn, and says good luck, you’ve got this. We’re raised to believe needing help is a character flaw, not a completely reasonable response to raising an actual human being. That lack of support isn’t a personal failing in exhausted mothers. It’s a design choice, and it has quietly, systematically hurt women and their families for generations.

Watch the trailer:

And then, every time mothers get close to actually fixing this, someone hands them a culture war instead. Tradwife versus girlboss. Working mom versus stay-at-home mom. (I wrote about the Mommy Wars HERE). It’s the same fight in a new outfit, running on a loop since the 1950s, and it works brilliantly, because the worst thing you can accuse a woman of is being a bad mother. So women take the bait, burn an evening defending sourdough starters or spreadsheet skills in a stranger’s Instagram comments, and while everyone’s busy scoring points, the actual system failing all of us on paid leave and childcare can just go back to normal. As Reshma put it, most people can’t actually afford to be either a tradwife or a girlboss. They’re just trying to survive the week without a sick kid, a school closure, or a check-engine light blowing up the budget.

Women don’t have to agree on everything. We don’t even have to like each other to agree that the system is failing all of us. Choosing to support each other anyway, especially when it’s inconvenient, is the whole ballgame. Reshma talks about how mothers should be able to show up to work and everywhere else as their full selves, without performing the vanishing act pretending the sick kid, the school play, and the pediatrician appointment don’t exist between nine and six. Right now, so many women run a kind of split-screen life: flawless professional in the office, invisible everywhere else because admitting you have a family still somehow reads as a liability, not a fact of being a human person who reproduced. That shouldn’t be the cost of a paycheck. It’s a through-line in her career, not a plot twist.

Watch her TED TALK here

Reshma ran for Congress in 2010, lost, and instead of sulking about it (a very reasonable option), she channeled the loss into building Girls Who Code. When she became a mother herself, she pointed that same relentlessness at the systems failing parents — first Marshall Plan for Moms, then Moms First — and at a genuinely bipartisan push for paid leave.

And the numbers back her up: this isn’t actually a partisan issue, whatever cable news tells you. A 2024 national poll from BPC Action, Pivotal Ventures, and Morning Consult found 82% of voters support a federal paid family and medical leave program, including 90% of Democrats and 76% of Republicans. Nearly 8 in 10 voters (79%) said they specifically want policymakers working on bipartisan solutions for caregiving.

“People are dying to talk about this.” That’s what Reshma told the room Monday, and you could feel it from the 150 women who showed up that night. Mothers aren’t silent about this because it doesn’t matter to them; they’re silent because they are scrambling, they are busy, and there’s rarely a room built for the conversation.

Reshma wants the film to be just the beginning, and she hopes the gatherings can really be a place where this movement can grow: we need more living rooms, more theaters, more nights like this one, where women can say the true, unglamorous parts out loud and discuss possible solutions (that will only come when women work together). So here’s the ask, and it’s an easy yes: if you want to make a difference, host a screening. Invite friends from different stripes, pour the wine, order the cheese, and talk about it. Then, hopefully many of them will get involved with Moms First by donating, volunteering, and promoting them like I am doing here.

This is not a political issue. It’s a human one, and it’s ours to fix together, regardless of who we vote for. No Country for Mothers is currently touring the country. Find a screening or host your own at momsfirst.us/doc, and let’s get this country to care about moms and families.

Sending love,

Patricia

Hi there,

Before I start: if you’ve been here for a little while, you know I used to host salons, but took a pause to make sure I could recover from surgery. I’ve missed our community, and I’ve been planning a few special gatherings this summer and Fall. Maybe we can also gather casually for lunch or coffee somewhere? If you like that idea, send me a note at rsvp@matriark.com. In the meantime, I will send more info about future activations here soon - for now, save these dates: August 19th (TBC) and October 6th - great gatherings are coming!

OK, let’s move on with this week’s programming.

Every year, so many articles get written about the Hamptons, and most of them are about the eccentricity and excess of billionaires and celebrities. You know the drill: the finance bros comparing the size of their yachts, the influencers bringing their special lighting for a beach picnic, the white parties…

Thankfully, this beautiful place is a lot more than glitz and cheese, but when it comes to shopping and entertainment, there’s been a massive influx of large luxury brands since Covid, and it’s gotten a lot harder for small, independent businesses to thrive in such an expensive area while squeezing a year’s worth of sales into three months. It’s a lot of pressure. So today I’m rounding up my favorite women-owned businesses and brands you can visit and support while you’re out east, with my favorite piece form each of them (scroll for the edit below). There’s nothing wrong with picking up your Pradas or your Chanels, but make a little room to support these women too, so that every summer you come back, they’re still here, giving this ridiculous, beautiful place its actual character and soul!

Enjoy! Sending love,

Patricia

The Best Women Owned Places and Brands in the Hamptons, and my favorite pieces from each of them

Sag Harbor

I live here, so I’m doing Sag Harbor first :)

Anita Somayaji: I have a family crest pendant necklace by my friend Anita Somayaji, and I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been stopped and asked where it’s from. Anita is going to have an atelier in Sag Harbor soon, so for now, please contact her via her website if you want to get info on the crest (it’s not on the website) and get on her mailing list to get a notification of her new shop location soon. She is known for her constellation necklaces and Taylor Swift, my fellow Sagittarian, has one of her pieces too :)

Leallo: this is a great shop to get all your everyday basics. I just visited Megan Chiarello’s shop, and got her beautiful silk pants in this blue color that I plan to wear at home and also out to a casual dinner with a tee and a flip flop or a sweater. I also got the matching cami, and I’m going to get the black ones for Fall.

Doen: one of my favorite brands for feminine cardigans and dresses. I love this delicate short sleeve cardigan, and this super light dress inspired by Victorian-era underpinnings.

The 1818 Collective: the entire house is a dream and decorated by The 1818 Collective Founders, Interior Designers Kristin Fine and Analisse Taft-Gersten. I always stop by to check their vintage pieces, and I have my eye on these stem planters for my garden. I’m also in love with these sconces (they remind me of my Elsa Peretti’s silver bone cuffs).

Tutto Il Giorno and Urban Zen: love the food at Tutto (also love their cafe in East hampton) and this draped top is quintessentially Donna Karan.

TWP: I was trying my favorite pieces on last week, and found this beautiful book about TWP & Onna House - and my friend and artist Bastienne Schmidt (who we featured in the past HERE) was featured inside. TWP’s cropped shirts are now a staple in many women’s wardrobes as they are in mine, and I’m really considering this buttery soft suede trouser and shirt (or cropped shirt) for a set that is casual enough but can also double as a modern suit. I can think of 1,000 ways I can wear them separately too, including with the cotton cropped shirt.

Sag Harbor Florist: I will always have an excuse to stop by this place and leave all my money there :). I have bought countless planters for my garden, and I buy all my flower arrangements and gifts at the Sag Harbor Florist. I just recently got these nutrients for potted plants and I love them. The best florist in the Hamptons, hands down.

Via Coquina: The curation in this shop is superb, and it transports you to the Mediterranean villages and places where you can find the most unique pottery, textiles, jewelry and gifts. My favorite items are everything by this Egyptian brand, the stunning art of François Gangemi that it’s always displayed (and I’ve been coveting for a while now) , and their gorgeous olive soaps.

Amagansett

E-E Home: one of the chicest home stores in the Hamptons, they don’t have a website so you have to go there and check it out. Here is a little taste from their Instagram - but it doesn’t do justice. My favorite is their cookware - unbelievable design, unique pieces very hard to find anywhere else.

La Garçonne: I have shopped at La Garçonne for many years, and I’m happy they opened a store in Amagansett. Love this Comme des Garçons bag (and it’s on sale), and I’m intrigued by this Simone Rocha mule with faux fur for Fall. They also sell The Row, which has their own stand alone store in Amagansett too (I was there last week but sadly the service was quite terrible. I can’t stand the snobbery).

Il Buco Vita: besides eating at their restaurant, my favorite thing to do when I’m in Amagansett is to grab a latte at their cafe and browse their home products. From their rustic and whimsical Pig Casserole, to their vivid terracotta serving dishes, and their painterly floral collection, and most specially their fine art that are beautifully displayed all over the shop, it’s impossible to choose just one favorite.

Amber Waves: this is a special farm and I’m a huge fan of what they have been doing. Besides producing their vegetables and flowers, Amber Waves also trains their farmers (mostly women!) and hosts educational classes for adults and children. A non-profit place to eat, shop, have fun and to support! Last weekend they had JonnyPops there, who was distributing free popsicles and if you liked them, they would give you a free box in a cooler bag to take home. Not woman-owned, but kudos for focusing on families and offering healthier organic choices.

Bridgehampton:

Annabel The Shop (there are many cute pieces there, one of my favorites were this light blue slip dress, this fun necklace, and this bonbon bag)

L’Epicuriste is not women owned, but they brought in Carole Bamford’s line this year, and it’s worth shopping for. She is the queen of the Cotswolds, and her gorgeous candles, bath products and geranium scented items plus a few home pieces from her Daylesford Farm are all for sale at L’epicurist this summer. They smell subtle, herby and delicious.

Relax Bridgehampton: I bought this fun and affordable Cherry bag, and I always love their pajamas, especially the pointelle styles from Polkadot England)

Sundaes On Main for the kids and everyone with a sweet tooth

Malia Mills + Hoare and Hoare Antiques:

For a few years now, the beautifully curated Hoare and Hoare Antiques has been sharing the space with Malia Mills in Bridgehampton, and it’s always a treat to go visit Zoe Hoare. Besides her iconic swimsuits, I love this Malia Mill’s tunic that you can wear as regular clothing and also as a cover up. And I have my eye on Zoe’s vintage Swedish Trestle Table, vegan grape hanging soaps (a perfect hostess gift) and so much more - you have to go see her in person, her shop is magic. She pop-s up in many places too, so contact her to see where she will be next.

East Hampton

Though most of East Hampton is populated by famous luxury brands, they still have a few great options.

Ma-Tine by Marie Christine: my friend Marie Christine is a very talented interior designer, and her shop is so chic. You'll find vintage pieces she collected over the years, and my favorite items are this 19th century French comode, this pair of lounge chairs and these beautiful vintage brass ashtrays. You can shop her items online at Charish, but going there in person is more fun!

The Hedges Inn: this is probably the most charming luxury hotel in the Hamptons. The new owners, husband and wife Andrew and Sarah Wetenhall also own The Colony in Palm Beach, and their renovations truly gave justice to this local institution, started with the Hedges family in 1652.

Nili Lotan: an easy choice for elevated every day pieces, I have my eye on this jacket, delicate crochet top, and bag.

The Monogram Shop: besides their obvious ability to monogram most items in store, I tend to like their tongue in cheek (and very specific) pieces like this Love Means Nothing tennis hand towel, or Make Good Choices key rings (from moms to kids), or their Blow tissue box covers.

Clic Home and Clic Fashion: 2 well curated shops, and I wouldn’t expect anything less from the former Founder of Calypso - remember that? Now that gardening is my new obsession, I want to get this beautiful basket, this gorgeous watering can, and these strawberry gardening gloves. And I want to get this fun shirt with swimmers all over while the weather is still hot.

Montauk:

Road to Nowhere: I like the more casual boho look of this shop and their selection, and I loved these linen jacquard pants and shirt for the guys in your life.

Utilitaria Montauk Outpost: they don’t have a website so you need to get out there and shop! My favorite items are by my friends Ashley Himmel (I just got this sweater and it’s very cute) and Lee Berzack’s Pantoffel (I have 2 of her slippers and live in them!)

The Surf Lodge: I know this place sometimes gets crazy but kudos to its Founder, fellow Brazilian Jayma Cardoso, who has been working and succeeding in the entertainment and hospitality industries for such a long time. Montauk was my family’s “first love” in the Hamptons, and I have amazing memories of our kids when they were little, soaking up the sun and eating outside at Jayma’s restaurant. Her shop is small but super well curated and worth the visit.

Southampton:

Elyse Walker: a like her edit in Southampton, and my favorites are Sir’s Striped Pant and Scarf Top, and these chic yet fun bathing suit and sarong.

Jenni Kayne: though I usually buy a lot of her sweaters, I do love this easy and chic Broderie Dress and I want this fluffy cozy throw.

Plain-T: Tatiana’s Teixeira’s best selling tea Detox Cistus Incanus is sold out, but worth the wait: it’s known for its strong antiviral properties, anti-inflammatory, anti-oxidant, detoxifier, immune system booster, cardiovascular supporter, and a natural tick repellent. She sells to Provisions and other health store, so maybe they’ll have them!)

Veronica Beard: I got many blazers at Veronca Beard but this summer I’m eyeing this Benny Tailored Vest and this adorable gingham dress.

Watermill:

AIREM (Dr. Eunice Park is my dermatologist in the Hamptons, and in addition to her treatments, I love her sheet mask and Crysalis Arnica Gel).

Calissa Hamptons: for their delicious Greek food! And you can also reserve a table to watch the World Cup matches too :)

Shou Sugi Ban House: there is nothing I don’t like here, but I’m partial to their massages. I want to book a retreat for the Fall and spend a few days as a staycation. A dream!

I’m counting on you to come out to support these amazing women and keep this place soulful and full of independent businesses! Love,

Patricia

*this newsletter is not intended as medical advice, please discuss the medications mentioned below with your doctor before considering them

Hi there,

Last week, I launched a Wellness Conference in Brazil with Iguatemi, where so many important topics on health, beauty and wellness were discussed. Today I want to focus on menopause, not only because it’s an important conversation and a reckoning with how far behind women’s health research remains, but because it’s a subject that stays controversial across every layer of the medical community. I was just reading Dr. Jen Gunter’s post on estradiol, and the flood of comments about how the medical community can’t seem to agree on anything is telling.

I watched a very engaging conversation between Brazilian actress and menopause activist Claudia Raia and Brazilian gynecologist Dr. André Vinícius, one of Brazil’s most important menopause specialists, a speaker at the The Harvard Medical School “Women’s Health and Menopause” (WHAM), and the author of Menopause Without Mysteries. Claudia not only advocates for more information and research on menopause; she also stars in the Brazilian play “Menopause Scenes”. She is committed!

Together, they did exactly what the title of his book promises. They turned the lights on a phase of life that most women navigate in the dark, often times confused, dismissed, and ashamed.

The most radical thing he said had nothing to do with hormones

You’d expect a leading gynecologist to spend his time on the physical aspects of menopause and the hormones, and he did discussed estrogen in depth, how it moves through the body, and why its decline reverberates far beyond the reproductive system.

But the message he kept returning to was almost startling in its simplicity, but so urgent that needs to be repeated: doctors need to listen.

Women are tired of doctors who scan the lab results, recite the statistics, deliver the standard lecture on what hormones do, and then move on. Listen. Because the woman in front of you arrives with her own constellation of symptoms, her own mental health, the specific changes she wants to make in her life — and too often those get waved away by physicians who prefer to go strictly by the book.

How many times does a woman in perimenopause walk into a doctor’s office and get prescribed antidepressants because her labs “are fine”? Hormones fluctuate wildly, and just because one test comes back “fine” doesn’t mean you’re not in perimenopause or menopause. Knowing what to ask, how to ask it, and then actually listening would have been far more helpful.

The gut

He also brought the frontier of the research to the stage, including work he presented at Harvard’s menopause conference on the estrobolome — the community of gut bacteria involved in how our bodies metabolize and absorb estrogen. Here’s what that actually means: when your body is done with a dose of estrogen, your liver tags it for disposal and sends it toward the exit — but certain gut bacteria can snip that tag off, reactivate the estrogen, and send it back into circulation. Your microbiome, in other words, helps decide how much estrogen you hold onto.

It’s a beautiful, under-appreciated idea: that the health of your gut shapes your hormonal reality, and that something as unglamorous as eating enough fiber is quietly doing hormonal work on your behalf. Menopause, it turns out, is not only happening in your ovaries. It’s happening in your gut, your brain, your sleep, your mood — everywhere.

And some good news

The Brazilian version of the FDA (called ANVISA) has just approved a non-hormonal medication for hot flashes — fezolinetant, sold as Veozah — which means relief is finally arriving for the women who can’t take hormone replacement therapy. The NY Times just came out with an article about all millions of women left out of the HRT conversation, and they mention this drug. The fact that it’s not widely known in the US when millions suffer from the same issue is a mystery to me.

And this issue is personal to me, and I fel like the women mentioned in the article. As a breast cancer survivor whose doctors won’t even open the conversation about HRT, I’ve spent years being told, in effect, to simply endure. So a hormone-free option isn’t an abstraction to me. It’s a door that had been locked, opening to all the women who cannot have HRT.

For my readers in the US: this same medication is FDA-approved here as well. And as of late 2025, a second non-hormonal drug — elinzanetant (Lynkuet) — has been approved too, with early data suggesting benefits for sleep and mood on top of hot flashes. The toolbox for women who’ve been left out is, at last, getting bigger — and that’s great news.

Dr. Vinicius also mentioned estetrol (E4) as a possible alternative in HRT, and it seems to have less impact on the liver and on breast tissue, which is very interesting and positive. If this is a viable alternative, I will for sure ask my doctor to try it.

Moving forward

I have many take aways from their talk, but the most important ones are:

First, medicine and treatments are moving forward. There are more options this year than there were last year, and the conversations being held — not only in Brazil but worldwide — are themselves a sign of how far we’ve come.

And second, we are all impatient, and for good reason. Because for every advance, you can feel the vastness of what’s still missing: the research not funded, the symptoms not studied, the women not prioritized. That a phase of life every woman on earth will pass through remains this under-examined is not an accident. It’s a choice the world keeps making, and we all need to advicate for ourselves and for more research and resources in women’s health.

In the meantime, the remedy Dr. Vinícius offered is one we can all carry, in the exam room and out of it. Insist on being heard. Turns out, our doctors’ most important organ is their ears. And if they are not using them, find a new doctor that does.

Sending love,

Patricia

photo from Vogue France

Hi there,

This will be a quick one. I read several articles talking about how older women are now showing up on catwalks - see NYTimes, and most recently, French Vogue. Fashion loves to romanticize things, but here is my take:

Older women have always been the engine behind fashion. We have more money, and that’s as simple as that. The fashion industry always knew that.

It’s quite infuriating but it’s the truth. Ageism is alive and well, and the industry didn’t all of the sudden started to have a conscience. Brands are struggling, prices skyrocketed, and they now need to appeal to their base and lure them into buying more.

Hopefully older women will continue to be more visible, in fashion and everywhere else, we will see.

I share this today to make a point about our power as consumers: Gen X + Older Millenials are 63% of personal luxury goods market share. We can support brands that embrace diversity of all kinds, and in this case, women of all ages.

Using our dollars to move things forward while buying beautiful things is… a beautiful thing.

Sending love,

Patricia

Carla-Rae Prober, Jan Planit, yours truly and Lauren Aiyana, photographed by Paulo Josepetti

Hi there,

It seems generational wars have been happening for at least 2,400 years.

I have always hated the way media weaponizes generational differences and turns them into full-on wars. OK Boomer. Slackers. Snowflakes. Zoomers. Delulu. The Me Generation. The Avocado Toast Generation. These labels are designed to rage-bait us and divide us, to make us roll our eyes at each other across the table and dismiss people we don’t even know just because of the year they were born. Though I’m not immune, I’ve always believed we have so much more to gain from crossing those lines than defending them. Yes, we’ll always have our differences. Young people will always push against older cultural standards — that’s their job, and it’s healthy, and good most of the times. Older people will tend to hold on to the world they created, and why wouldn’t they? But why can’t we do it with a generous dose of mutual respect? This wholesale disdain for an entire generation is, quite frankly, stupid, and while we are busy judging and dismissing younger or older people than us, we are missing out on so much.

This is why I was so taken by WelcomeHaus. A new company founded by Lauren Aiyana, Jan Planit and Carla-Rae Prober, 3 women of different generations supporting women in refining every dimension of their lives through intentional experiences, curated retreats, gatherings, and personalized individual mentorship.

Last Saturday, I attended their retreat in Montauk. The setting was idyllic: after driving and soaking up the Hamptons beauty, I arrived at a gorgeous beachfront house. It was a beautiful sunny day, and the ocean views and the sound of the waves crashing immediately put everyone in the mood for some R&R.

The view, at arrival

Getting saged before meditation / Photo credit Niels Schröder

The day started with a mediation session and reflections about what we are ready to release and let go, followed by an introduction by Jan, a delicious healthy lunch, a discussion with Dr. Donese Worden, a brief yoga session and a sweet offering of kindness and good energy, delivered to the ocean by Lauren. As the day went by, I realized that the best part wasn’t the striking views or the amazing setting. It was the founders, and the community they are building.

The meditation area

Each of WelcomeHaus’ founder brought something the others couldn’t replicate, and together they become larger than the sum of their parts. Lauren is the spiritual and wellness anchor; her meditation and sound bath brought a restorative, healing quality to everything we did. Jan is the builder, the entrepreneur who has spent decades believing in women and their capabilities, and whose work with young models like Cindy Crawford made her fiercely protective of them while deepening her conviction that women, when they truly see themselves, can build extraordinary things. And Carla-Rae is the creative force whose work in fashion and design has taught her that clothes and furniture are mere vehicles for true self-expression and confidence if you choose to engage with them in a more meaningful way.

Taking copious notes / Photo credit Niels Schröder

Yoga with a view / Photo credit Niels Schröder

Carla-Rae closed the retreat with a beautiful speech. She called on all of us to be kinder to other women. She told us that even in her 70s she still encounters “mean girl” behavior, and spoke about how we can show up in the world in a kinder and more supportive way. She shared how much less pain and suffering she would have endured had she had mentors like herself, Lauren and Jan in her life. And she spoke about how we dress, how we move through the world, how we present ourselves — not as performance or concealment, but as full expression of who we are.

Carla-Rae, speaking from the heart

The day also included Dr. Donese Worden, who shared her knowledge and wisdom about women’s health, cancer research, self-advocacy, and the very real ways our current healthcare system fails us. She reminded us that community isn’t just a nice-to-have — it’s medicine. She covered A LOT, and it was a masterclass.

Dr. Worden, getting ready to speak

All of them brought their hearts, their life experience, and their full selves to that space, and it was just great to watch women being their true selves, and genuinely building community.

If any of this resonates with you, I encourage you to follow WelcomeHaus and keep an eye on their upcoming Women’s Circle in July. I posted more photos and videos on Instagram, check them out. And below, I asked Lauren, Jan, and Carla-Rae to share their 10 favorite things — scroll and get to know them!

Thank you to WelcomeHaus for having me. It was my first retreat, and absolutely worth every minute of it. ❤️

Sending love,

Patricia

Click HERE If you want to read more about Lauren, HERE about Jan, and HERE about Carla. And follow Welcomehaus HERE.

Lauren, Jan and Carla-Rae’s Favorite Things

Carla-Rae, Lauren and Jan / Photo credit Niels Schröder

Hi there,

Back in March I announced to our paid subscribers that I was removing the paywall for the time being, mostly because the paid subscription promised access to in-person salons and curated experiences, which I wouldn’t have much time to do after my surgery in January and ongoing family commitments. Plus, I’ve been taking care of my advisory clients, who have grown in numbers over the last 6 moths.

I thought I’d give you a quick update. Since then, I’ve added a few special projects that I’m diligently working on. I am launching an exciting Wellness and Beauty Conference in Brazil on June 23rd, and after that I will be in the Hamptons enjoying my family and working on those projects, which I hope to share more about them soon.

From now on you may or may not hear from me on a weekly basis, but I promise to send a newsletter whenever I can, and always on Thursdays. Many of them will be quick, others will be profiles of interesting people I’m connecting with that I think are worth sharing with you.

In today’s newsletter, I’m going to share the tote bags that 'I’ve been shopping for. I know we all got plenty of canvas totes from when we shop at stores, but I’m talking about real totes. I seem to have a fetish for them, and though I may not buy them all, I will never have enough of them, ever. I’m constantly loading my car with a hundred things. Today I had a large tote on the passenger seat with my handbag, water bottle and another small mesh tote (a cute gift with purchase from Bergdorf Goodman) filled with snacks for me and my children. And on my way home, I got food and shopping bags, and I regretted not adding another huge bag in my car… My bags need bags, so I will share what I’ve ben looking at.

PS: I’m excited with my advisory work, and I’ve been thrilled to meet one on one with great Founders. If you or someone you know is looking for strategic guidance on retail positioning, merchandising or content strategy, I’m selectively taking on advisory clients. You can book a discovery call HERE. My Linkedin is HERE for additional credentials.

Thanks so much, enjoy!

Patricia

The Garden Tote

Maybe a decade ago I bought a Japanese garden tote at Dover Street market, and a friend of mine made fun of me, asking me if I had some tools I needed to carry. Years later, it became a trend and now everyone has a garden inspired tote, so I feel vindicated 😊 I have a black tote, but I’m going to buy this one in ivory (1).

The Construction Tote in bubble gum looks great too, and I it’s a little larger. And one of my favorites is this customizable tote* (3): you can add snaps, short straps, key clips, extra internal pockets (I wish more totes would come with them!) , suitcase strap, laptop pocket, external pockets crossbody straps, extra handles, monograming and additional color for the bottom - this is the most customization I’ve seen so far. I like their story too.

California Happy

The brand Pacifico Tote Co.* was founded in 2013 by filmmaker Roman Coppola (Sofia Coppola’s older brother) and designer Duffy Culligan after they took a boat trip from Santa Barbara to Catalina, and started asking why the best totes had to be so serious. It’s a good question! The color combinations are pure joy (and so are their T-shirts).

(4) The Ojai in blush, kelly green and yellow (5) The Mammoth in Natural, black and pink (6) The Big Sur in kelly green, and (7) The Catalina in Bottle green, butter and flamingo pink.

The OG and The Cute Spin Off

(8) Can’t beat the L.L.Bean* tote. I have all sizes, and just got the extra large (to hold more bags and snack…), and thinking about getting a mini too. But J Crew’s* version of it (9) is also very cute. It’s also customizable, and it comes in red, and in a smaller size.

Bright Fun Things

A while ago I got a phone case with my initials on it from this company, and I love their customized totes too. I think I’ll get the fun striped tote for my daughter and may get the natural color for me in the medium size, just lik the photos.

New Neutrals

These totes are by my friend Michael Hagen’s company Wyeth*. Easy, neutral but never boring. (12) in brown and natural and (13) and in blue and tan.

British Polish

(14) These are super chic and customizable, and the waterproof lining and zipper make it beach ready.

The Twofer

Who doesn’t love to get 2 for the price of 1? A beautiful reversible tote, these (15) come in the prettiest shade of pink reversing to a chocolate brown.

Always Chic

Phoebe Philo’s optic white bag with an outside pocket (16), J&M Davidson* Leopard Tote (17), and The Row canvas tote in brown and beige (18) are pricey but will never go out of style.

Pink Satin Dreams

This clean, modern yet frothy and feminine tote comes in a rainbow of colors, but this pink is the most irresistible. Who wouldn’t want a pink satin tote?

Honorable Mention

I’ve featured the Alex Mill* customizable totes before, but not in a special tote newsletter, so I will show it again, this time in Gwyneth Paltrow’s arms.

I could go on forever. But this is it for now. Sending love,

Patricia

Hi there,

Welcome to summer… Pool parties, boat days, company retreats, lakeside picnics, and the bathing suit dread. Today I’m going to share with you some astonishing information about how women see themselves, give some tips on how to shop for bathing suits (and not feel crappy about it), and share 7 styles I love for this season.

In 1998, psychologists put women in either a swimsuit or a sweater, gave them a math test, and watched who did better as part of a study curiously titled “That Swimsuit Becomes You.” I mean, every woman could have told them they didn’t need the experiment to know the answer, but science needs receipts, so here we are.

Of course the women in the swimsuit performed measurably worse! Because who in their right mind can concentrate on anything in a bathing suit when all we can think about is how we look? Self-consciousness about the body literally hijacks our brain. When we’re thinking about how we look, we have less mental bandwidth for literally everything else. So the swimsuit didn’t change them, it became them. It consumed their attention so completely that they temporarily lost access to their own competence. Torture!

So according to psychology researchers, the swimsuit is a cognitive event. Even imagining trying on a swimsuit in a dressing room is enough to trigger self-objectification.

And even if we shop online and try them on alone at home, research shows that “the physical presence of observers is clearly not necessary.” We are our toughest audience. Sigh…

Do you remember the last time you were truly unselfconscious in a bathing suit? Maybe you are one of those lucky women who couldn’t care less and, if so, I admire you and also slightly resent you. But if you’d rather stick a pencil in your neck than be seen in a bathing suit, you are not alone. You are, it turns out, statistically very normal. Unfortunately.

80%. Insane. Skipping graduations, birthday parties, vacations, pool invitations, boat days, and opting out of their actual lives because we don’t think our bodies measure up.

Half of all women have looked at an invitation and thought “not if it means a swimsuit”. That is an unacceptable number of summers not fully lived!

A third of us are either gone from the beach, or watching from the shade in our clothes.

And then there’s the shopping problem itself:

The average woman owns 3 swimsuits. She owns 7 pairs of jeans and 17 pairs of shoes.

WHAT’S ACTUALLY HAPPENING

Let’s be honest here. The swimsuit is not just exposing our bodies: it’s also exposing our messed up relationship with your bodies, which has been quietly shaped, since approximately puberty, by an industry that profits from our dissatisfaction.

We hate the dressing room because it forces us to evaluate our bodies the way we imagine others evaluate it — from the outside, as an object to be assessed. This happens with all clothing, but the more revealing the garment is, the higher the scrutiny.

FIVE THINGS THAT ACTUALLY HELP (NOT “LOVE YOURSELF”)

I can’t stand the “love every inch of yourself!” approach. I rather be more practical and rely on research:

1. Go for fit, not size.

The number one confidence killer in a bathing suit is ill fit. A too-small suit doesn’t make you look smaller, it creates bulges that didn’t exist and discomfort that will haunt you all the way to the beach. Size is a number on a tag that no one else will ever see. What people see is how you carry yourself. Buy the size that fits. If you need to go up, go up. Nobody cares. You’ll feel the difference immediately. By the way, this is good advice for all clothing, but it is essential for bathing suits.

Here are some basic things to look for:

Structure and support at the bust: underwire, boning, or thick straps

Ruching or diagonal seaming at the waist: creates shape without compression

Dark solids or vertical prints: work with the body’s natural lines

High-cut legs: lengthen a shorter frame and create proportion

A tie or cinch at the waist: the simplest way to define a silhouette

2. Shop at home. Obviously.

We already know this is the best approach. But you need a method:

3. Shift the question from ‘How do I look?’ to ‘What am I doing, and How do I feel while I am doing it?’

This is the body neutrality move and it is remarkably effective. Redirect your attention to what your body is doing. You’re swimming, you’re jumping waves in the ocean, you’re watching your kid do a cannonball, you’re floating on something inflatable drinking something pink, and you are smiling and feeling amazing. A body doing a thing becomes much less available as an object to critique because you’re too busy using it.

“My kids aren’t going to remember how I looked in a swimsuit. But they will remember the fun we had in the pool.” That’s it.

4. Forget body positivity. Try body neutrality instead.

Body positivity asks you to look in the mirror and love what you see. Body neutrality asks something more achievable: your body is not a project. It doesn’t need to be fixed or celebrated. It carried you here. It will carry you to the pool, and it is sufficient. Research consistently finds this approach more effective at reducing body dissatisfaction than the love-yourself version which, for many women, just adds another thing to feel like they’re failing at.

NOW ON TO THE FUN PART

Here are some gorgeous swimwear to get started. Get inspired by them and have fun shopping!

1. Seersucker gingham - the best summer combo, in a balconette bikini top with underwire support and bottom.

2. A beautiful blue and strategic rushing on a very glamorous strapless piece - AND it’s on sale.

3. Another great combo with leopard and scalloped edges, perfect as a body suit under a fun skirt or a sarong.

4. A striking piece, a collaboration with Burberry, in an iconic crinkled fabric.

5. The original zig zag , in a halter swimsuit and a flattering color combo.

6. A sexy corseted one-piece that comes in many colors (there is a nize zipper detail on the back too!). I just bought this!

7. A great bikini top and bottom by an amazing Brazilian brand I used to sell in my shop in Sag Harbor. They have tons of cover-ups too, so check them out.

JUST GO TO THE PARTY

Nobody is studying you the way you are studying yourself. They are eating chips, arguing about who forgot the sunscreen, refilling their rosé and living their lives. And if they do judge, who cares?

The swimsuit does not have to become you. You are allowed to put it on, walk out the door, and be at the party — present, distracted by conversation and delicious drinks and the actual pleasure of being in water on a hot day, instead of managing your visibility from the sideline.

Go. Take the picture. Get in the water. Your kids will remember.

And if you’re still not feeling it, wear shorts and a tee, throw on a kaftan, do whatever you need to do. But don’t miss the party because of the clothes. Just go.

Sending love and summer courage,

Patricia

Hi there,

I’m excited to share this with you today. I interviewed Amber Rae (scroll for video below), and it was such a candid, illuminating conversation. It has 3 parts: We start talking about how her challenges in childhood shaped how she sees love and relationship, then we talk about how she stumbled upon becoming an author and how she started her incredible work helping authors through their writing and marketing - this is a must see for aspiring book authors everywhere! And then we go over her book and her incredible story of leaving a 9 year marriage, how that unfolded, and why this is such an important book for women.

As children, especially as girls, we are taught that trading our honesty for goodness is how we earn safety, acceptance, and warmth. And so we grow up smiling through discomfort, staying quiet, small, pleasant, and compliant, the good girls we were trained to be. In exchange, we are rewarded with words like lovely, polite, sweet, elegant. From the outside, our lives look beautiful, calm, and just right. On the inside, we are burning, outperforming our true selves, muffling our real opinions, shrinking to fit a shape that was never ours to begin with. And this is where so many women quietly disappear.

Amber Rae has spent her career helping women close that gap between the mask we wear and our true selves. She began at Apple in marketing, moved through Omnicom’s first digital agency, dove into the Silicon Valley tech wave, and then did what so few people in that world dare to do: she walked away from all of it to follow her own curiosities wherever they led. What followed was a body of work that defies a single category. She is a USA Today bestselling author of Loveable: One Woman’s Path from Good to Free, Choose Wonder Over Worry, The Answers Are Within You, and The Feelings Journal, a keynote speaker who has taken the stage for Kate Spade, Meta, Microsoft, Merrill Lynch, Lululemon, and TED, a book coach who has guided over a hundred thought leaders to six- and seven-figure book deals, and a writing mentor whose work reaches millions of readers in nearly two hundred countries. She is also, foundationally, a journaler — thirty years of daily practice that she describes as the pathway to her inner truth.

And In her book Loveable: One Woman’s Path from Good to Free, Amber finally turned that lens on herself.

Nine years into a marriage that was, by every external measure, a good one, she was quietly hollowed out — emotionally and sexually disconnected, performing okayness for everyone, including herself. It took meeting a man — someone she recognized immediately as the love of her life — to force a reckoning she had been outrunning for years. What followed was not a clean escape. It was the slow, costly, irreversible work of choosing herself over the story she had agreed to live.

I met Amber through our advocacy work at CaringKind — thank you, Melissa Breitbart, for the introduction — and we are co-hosting an event TODAY MAY 21st at Veronica Beard Southampton alongside Pamela Bell, Melissa Breitbart and Maxine Friedman. Amber Rae will sign her book Loveable, and will have a fireside chat with Pamela Bell. 15% of all sales are going to CaringKind, so please come by if you are in town: Veronica Beard, 84B Main Street, Southampton.

I have been so moved by Amber Rae’s humanness, her way of living, and her courage to start again and carve an authentic life for herself. We sat down for an unfiltered conversation about the life that she left behind, people-pleasing, the seduction of the almost-right life, and what it actually feels like to break with your own reality in pursuit of what is true.

Watch our full interview and read Amber’s favorite things below.

My Interview with Amber Rae

How her childhood shaped how she sees love and relationship - until 5:23

How she stumbled upon becoming an author and how she started her incredible work helping authors through their writing and marketing - a must see for aspiring book authors everywhere! 5:24 - 18:26

Her book and her incredible story of leaving a 9 year marriage, how that unfolded, and why this is such an important book for women. 18:27 - until the end

Amber Rae Favorite Things

1. Favorite Book (other than your own): Tiny Beautiful Things by Cheryl Strayed

2. Favorite word: Delicious

3. Favorite thing to do with your son: I’m torn between cuddling and going on adventures together

4. Favorite food: pesto pasta with shrimp

5. Favorite summer spot in the Hamptons: Fresh Pond with my husband and little one

6. Favorite aspect of writing a book: Oof I truly love and obsess over every stage but it’s the unexpected discoveries on the page that stay with me.

7. Favorite part of your personality: I see the best in everyone

8. Favorite wellbeing ritual or habit: Journaling

9. Favorite season: Summer

10. Favorite object you own or covet: An abstract painting of a woman by Mark Wilson, which sadly no longer hangs in our home. We recently threw away every object we owned because of black mold, and my relationship to objects has evolved as a result.

Sending love,

Patricia